Beware of the three-legged table and a pinecone chair



The house we purchased in Florida came totally furnished. I’ve never been crazy about our dining room set as it has these chairs with rollers. I was always worried that if I fell into the chair with my weight and energy, it would send me sailing through the dining room window.

I just am not a fan of chairs on wheels. You start eating and go for the gravy and if your rollers move, gravy is everywhere. So, I’ve been actively shopping for a dining set and finally I found the one. The fellow selling it put the pressure on me and said it had to be sold that day as others were in line waiting next.

This is where the story gets fun. I had to explain to my husband, who loves our current dining room set, that I found a better set. I felt I was dealing with Judge Judy, explaining my side of the story. My final closing remark to him was he would not be involved at all. I would go get it, haul it, move all kinds of furniture, etc. Finally, he went for a walk, muttering something I couldn’t hear, and off I went. I brought my four-foot eight-inch neighbor who weighs 85 pounds to help me haul it.

We arrive at the seller’s house and realize the table legs have to come off to fit into my car. We go to flip this heavy-duty table and, plunk – one of the wrought iron legs bit the dust and fell off. The only way to get that leg back on was to find a welder. I was sick. My dream table doomed.

We put the table back up and it was a miracle! The table sat pretty solid with three legs. We propped the busted leg under it and he dropped the price $200. The next thing you know, I’m hauling my handicapped table to the car. I’ve seen many three-legged dogs in my life and they do just fine. My friend and I had just a few miles to develop a plan that Mark couldn’t be in the house when we assembled the table.

We got to my house, he’s on the computer, and he’s not budging. We continued with our plan and all was going well except we needed a wrench. Mark got the wrench and insisted on assembling the table he never wanted in the first place. Now my blood pressure is starting to hit dangerous levels. One by one, he puts on the legs, complaining about the cheap nuts and bolts it came with, “Why did you buy this piece of *&%#%,” etc. Wouldn’t you know that just at that moment another leg fell off.

Now, we have two busted legs and my friend and I are both looking like Lucy and Ethel. I can’t even tell you the Bohemian swear words that were coming out of his mouth. “Who buys a table with two legs? Argh!” I heard that more than I heard the word “collusion.”

I promised him I’d find a welder and it would be as good as new. Then he goes on to say, “I hope you didn’t pay for this two-legged piece of crap.” It was painful. I then had to explain that the chairs alone were worth $100 each. He sits in a chair and there is a brass pinecone that sticks out a bit and of course it hits him in his upper back. He agonized in pain, and started swearing in Lithuanian. This was not the time or place to suggest better sitting posture.

Now, the Florida humidity has hit record highs. I wasn’t sure if I was sweating from table stress or the humidity. I was dripping. I didn’t want to put excess moisture near the fourth leg, if you know what I mean.

After a very stressful day, I did find a welder and he got those busted legs back on and we lived happily ever after. Mark’s posture improved overnight to avoid the protruding pine cone in the back. Life is good. I will be staying out of the furniture stores and selling sites now until his memory fades. It will be hard to forget this saga.

I’m still recovering from the recent used car I bought that needed a bit more work than I realized. I enjoyed all the lights that were lit up on the dash board. I didn’t have my cheaters on to see all the warning lights for brakes, etc. I’m not even going there. It’s a Buick and it will go forever, after we get all those lights to quit flashing.

It’s been another week of retired paradise. Over and out.

P.S. You’d think with all the stress and sweating over that three-legged table I would’ve lost considerable weight. Nope, a few ounces. Another cup out of the ocean.

Sally Yuccas lives in Virginia, MN and winters in Naples, FL.

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