Out of the blue:

Happy Birthday to my younger brother Tim, who was born on the 19th, exactly 19 months to the day after his older brother. I’m not quite sure what that means, but someday I just might figure it out. In honor of his special day, here’s a quick lawyer joke before we get started.

Have you seen the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is: Whom do you root for?

The ESPY’s (that’s Excellence in Sports Yearly awards) were held tonight (Wednesday). Drew Brees, in particular, and the New Orleans Saints, in general, cleaned up. It brought back a lot of bad memories from last winter’s NFC Championship Game, memories which weren’t in the least soothed by Brett Favre’s win in the Best Play of the Year category (for his game-winning laser to Greg Lewis to beat the 49ers).

But ESPN’s extravaganza got me thinking. What if I could put on my own awards show? How much fun would that be? Well, if I could, here’s a few awards I’d hand out.

LOCAL

Male Athlete of the Year: Shawn Johnson, Eveleth-Gilbert

The senior dominated the discus for the second straight year at the boys track and field state tournament, winning by more than 21 feet. He added a second gold medal in the shot put. In both events, he was the top-seeded athlete and performed likewise. He scored 24 of Eveleth-Gilbert’s 26 points in the meet, nearly single-handedly lifting the Golden Bears to a sixthplace finish. Johnson was also one of the bright spots on the Eveleth-Gilbert football and basketball teams.

Female Athlete of the Year:

I’m honestly at a loss to single out a local girl as the best this past season as no one stood head-and-shoulders above their peers, at least as far as I can tell. If anyone has an obvious choice I have overlooked, let me know, and I’ll include it in a future column.

Boys Team of the Year: Ely Timberwolves Nordic skiing

Led by senior Peter Schurke and junior Jake Dalberg, who finished 11th and 12th respectively, the Timberwolves skimmed to their third-ever state championship. Ely, by far the smallest school in the field, won the title by eight points over Forest Lake, despite not having a top-10 finisher. It was the first crown for the Timberwolves in nearly a half-century. Ely won titles in 1961 and 1962 when the event combined Nordic skiing and ski jumping.

Girls Team of the Year: Cherry/Cotton Tigers softball

The Tigers won 24 games this spring and became the first girls team from either county school to advance to a state tournament. Cherry/Cotton acquitted itself quite well at state as well, losing a 2-1 heartbreaker to a private school, New Life Academy of Woodbury, the eventual state champion, in its first round game. The Tigers rebounded to hammer Wabasso by 10 runs in the consolation semifinals before falling to another private school, New Ulm Cathedral, in the consolation finals.

Courage Award: Casey Myhre, Virginia/MI-B

The senior overcame a debilitating hearing impairment, which he has had to live with for over a decade, to become one of the best goalies in the state. The netminder, despite not playing a single minute in goal as a junior, led the Blue Devils to their third state tournament with a shutout of Hibbing/Chisholm in the Section 7A championship game. Myhre also was a key player for the Virginia football team, which lost in the section finals.

NATIONAL and/or TRIVIAL

(The ESPYs covered just about every conceivable category, but here’s some more grist for the mill.)

Narcissist of the Year: LeBron James

Really, a one-hour special to announce where you’ll play basketball next year? Give me a break. The last time I watched: A) a more unfulfilling hour of television was when my cable box got stuck on The View; B) a more self-promoting hour, well I’m not sure I have, but I’ve heard Jersey Shore or The Hills might qualify; or C) such treachery, well I wasn’t around when Benedict Arnold was alive. Yeah, yeah, LeBron fulfilled his contract, he was a free agent, he could choose to play anywhere he wanted. But to star in a contrived one-hour show and stick a knife in the collective back of an entire city was uncalled for. (See Durant, Kevin for the classy way to do it.) I went from being an admirer of LeBron’s unnatural talent to hoping he never wins an NBA title. And if he does, it will be as the second banana on Dwyane Wade’s team. And he’s supposed to be The King? (Also see Traitor of the Year, Taking the Easy Way Out Award.)

Biggest Fall from Grace Award: Tiger Woods

El Tigre went from being the best golfer ever to a punch line on late night TV overnight. He’s missed cuts, fired his swing coach, changed his putter for the first time in a decade and is approaching one of the most expensive divorces of all time. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Then again, he could just go out and win the British Open this weekend at St. Andrews (where he has won comfortably the last two times it was held there) and most of the public will forget all about the last six months. Ain’t America grand.

Prescient Cephalopod of the Month: Paul the Octopus

Soon to be devoured by angry Germans, the eight-legged psychic nevertheless went 7-for-7 in his World Cup soccer picks. (I recommend butter, garlic and a spritz of lemon.)

Worst Bet of the Week:

Let’s just say it involved Netherlands, Spain and a whole lot of dishes. My hands are permanently wrinkled, I fear. Thanks, Kassie. And, hoosh! Until next time…

Brian Miller is a longtime local sports writer and the co-founder of iSportsNorth. He currently resides in Eveleth and can be reached at miller24bri@gmail.com.