Out of the blue

So the other day, I was talking to my friend Barry, who for the first time in his life is into soccer.

And I was like: “Really? How could you?!”

Not that I was upset that he had never been into soccer, because there is therapy for that. But because that was the first thing he talked to me about, what, with the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles (formerly Minneapolis) Lakers NBA Finals going on! (I predicted a Celtics win in six. I amend that. Seven.)

And he proceeded to explain that he had never been a soccer, erstwhile known as “futbol”, fan, but he had caught on to it because of the relentless promos provided by Either Spend or Pay Now (ESPN).

Sigh.

I hate to be the only one who knows a minimal amount about the most popular sport in the world, so I called Mike. (He is my little brother who once beat cancer, played college soccer - and basketball - and has reffed and coached the sport, known in this country only as “soccer”.)

I called him for this segment to verify some facts. He didn’t answer.

Sigh.

So I embarked on a campaign of research, usually reserved for post-docs and the like, to give a clear-asmud answer for those not quite sure what this sport called soccer is, and more specifically, what the World Cup is all about.

Let’s break it down this way.

A) The United States of America has never won the World Cup. Or even sniffed the fool’s gold plating on the trophy. (And it’s a big gold trophy and worth a lot of bragging rights.) The highlight of the US of A’s World Cup history is a 1-0 win over England in 1960. They didn’t come close to replicating that wonderful memory this year when they played England in the first round and got a goaltender gift for a 1-1 tie (thanks to Robert Green - the replication of the event was best done by a British news organization with Legos - but he won’t be replaced after that, if only because his replacement is known as “Calamity). And that’s why I love World Cup soccer, for cool words like “equalizer” and “nil“ and nicknames like “Calamity.”

B) U-S-A! U-S-A! Puhlease. You ought to quit your cheering and pick a winner. Like Brazil. They have won a record five World Cups. Of course, it helped to have Pele for three of them. After all, he was the best player on the planet, ever. But I digress. Brazil, rated No.1 in the world this year, surprise, surprise, played North Korea, rated No. 105, in their first match of group play in the World Cup. Unexpectedly, the score was nil-nil at halftime, before the Brazilians found the back of the net twice in the second half and survived a late goal by Nu-Cle Ar to win the contest. There were a couple of interesting twists related to the match. First was the sign sighted before the game which read: “Kim Jong-Il thinks I’m at work.” (Ingenious.) Second was the revealing fact that the North Korean coach Heer No-Evel communicates with “Our Glorious Leader” (sic) Kim Jong-Il during games. When asked how (Blackberry, I-Phone, can-to-can-via-a really long string?), he blithely told said reporters that it was an invisible telelink, unseen by human eyes. (And at that point, I switched my phone plan to “Surreal.”), Third was the report that the handful of North Korean fans in the stands are actually Chinese actors hired to portray North Korean fans. (You don’t have to leave home, but you must stay here.)

C) To get down to the technical part of things, here is how things break down for the World Cup. It starts out with 32 teams, which qualify in regional tournaments around the world. Those 32 are broken down into eight groups of four, which always include the proverbial “Group of Death.” (This year, that would be the aforementioned Brazil, the soon-to-be left out North Korea, and Portugal and “The” Ivory Coast.) The top two teams out of each group advance to a 16-team singleelimination tournament. And then “Obvious Guy” says it shrinks to eight (quarterfinals), four (semifinals) and of course, the seminal event, the World Cup finals. (The last time this came around four years ago, the finals set up as France v. Italy. Let’s just say this poor Finlander walked away.) Let’s just say I’m sticking with my pick of Netherlands to win for the first time ever.

D) Keeping up with the technical stuff, in the group stage, a win gives a team three points and a tie, one point. A FAQ (aka a Frequently Asked Question) is, “How do you determine who advances when teams end up with the same amount of points?“ Well, the key is goal differential, which involves complex calculus. So if you are really that confused, call your local professor for the derivative. And at this point, I’m just going to fade into Brazilian.

Until next time…

Brian Miller is a longtime local sports writer and the co-founder of iSportsNorth. He currently resides in Eveleth and can be reached at miller24bri@gmail.com.