Out of the blue

I literally have no clue what to write about this week. So in that vein, once again, I will quote my favorite little genius, Calvin (of Hobbes’ fame):

“I like maxims that don’t include behavior modification.”

I bet Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger wishes NFL commissioner Roger Goodell subscribed to that comment. The Commish isn’t messing around. He suspended the two-time Super Bowl winner for six games after the (I can’t say what I really want to say here) was accused by a 20-year-old woman of sexual assault. Big Ben obviously doesn’t have a clue about decorum, as well as personal responsibility. It was the second time in three years that the QB has been thus accused. While he hasn’t been charged with a crime in either situation, Roethlisberger is at best the victim of his own poor judgment. Perhaps, he might want to think about staying in for the near future.

“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”

It’s funny how a 6-year-old has a way of calling you out. I spent most of last weekend intently watching the NFL Car was h wit h p urc hase Service Draft, much to the chagrin of a select few. I like to fancy myself an NFL guru - after all, I did predict before the 1998 draft that Randy Moss would become a superstar, baggage notwithstanding - but that is probably a dream, an illusion, a vapor. I do know that my favorite two players picked last week - Florida quarterback Tim Tebow and Minnesota wide receiver Eric Decker - both went to the Denver Broncos. As much as I hate to admit it, I have converted into a Broncos’ fan. (Somewhere, my buddy Scotty is chortling.) Granted, Denver still ranks behind Minnesota and New England on my depth chart. Decker reminds me of Anquan Boldin - big, strong, unafraid to go over the middle. He’s going to be an outstanding addition to the guys with horses on their helmets. And I found myself quite incensed (I’m not sure what that means, but anywho) at the draftniks who ripped Broncos coach Josh McDaniels (an NFL coach at my age, goodness) for staking his future on Tebow. I mean, what’s not to like? The kid is a winner. He is as coachable a kid as I’ve ever seen. He is not ashamed to proclaim what he believes, courtesy of eye-black. He’s a winner (did I mention that yet?), always has been (and I dare say), always will be. The Orange Crush always was the one of the best nicknames. Speaking of, do they make that soft drink anymore?

“A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.” Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland stuck a big size 11 his mouth (I’m not sure if that’s his shoe size, but it sounds right) when he asked potential draft pick Dez Bryant if his mom used to be a prostitute. I don’t know what that sounds like to you, but to me, those sound like fighting words. I hope Bryant (who was drafted by the Cowboys) torches the Fins for 10 catches, 200 yards and three touchdowns the first time he faces them.

“It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.”

Saw away, my friend. Once again, the folly of making predictions has come back to bite me. I was convinced that this was the year that The Great Eight, aka Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals would break out of their playoff doldrums and hoist the Stanley Cup. Alas, the Caps wilted and lost to the Montreal Canadiens (or is it Canadians? I’m not sure) in the first round of the playoffs. Good call! Is Ovey becoming the latest version of Patrick Ewing? It’s probably too early to tell. It is harder to carry a team in hockey as a superstar than it is in basketball. But Ovechkin, the most prolific goal-scorer in the NHL, has to be feeling a big burden now. I hope the NHL’s most exciting player leads the beleaguered Caps to some playoff success some time soon, even if he is a Russian. (Side note: I’m a proud Finn. Have you ever seen the stats from the Winter War (when Russia invaded Finland during WWII)? The Russians had like five times more soldiers, 20 times more tanks and 200 times more aircraft, but still lost. Badly. I’m not sure if the Canadiens enlist any Finns - Saku Koivu is long gone - but if they do, it would be appropriate.)

“This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers. Like eleventeen.”

So Joe Mauer went 0-for-5 the other day. He’s now hitting (just) .351. I think one day he might want to think about trying to hit for average. What’s this seven for his last 20 shaboogey? One day, the man might like to aspire to loftier goals. Like .400. Until then, I will aspire to not aspire anymore.

“What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship pants if nobody asks to see them?”

I have no comment. Until next time…

Brian Miller is a longtime local sports writer and the co-founder of iSportsNorth. He currently resides in Eveleth and can be reached at miller24bri@gmail.com.